Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
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Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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