as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
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But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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