And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize