Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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