1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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