alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
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I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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