Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
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Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your topless pictures make me question reality
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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