exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
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We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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