I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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