he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I want to fling myself into the sun
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize