I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
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is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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