shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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