don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
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Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
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There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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