I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
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I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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