im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
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Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
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