Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
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went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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