I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
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She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
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Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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