sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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