I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
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She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
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Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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