So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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