Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
They have beer where we have blood.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize