I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
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Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i've created a new STD.
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Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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