I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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