She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
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Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
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I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
A bitchslap is in order.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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