Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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