Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
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I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
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My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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