I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
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I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
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My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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