i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
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my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
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Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
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