I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
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he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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