Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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