All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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