yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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