it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
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Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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