Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize