I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
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Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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