Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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