your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
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I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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