apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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