I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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