dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
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Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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