alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
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I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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