it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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