I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
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Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
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Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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