He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
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I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
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I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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