I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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