I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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