i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
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two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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