Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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