Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
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She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
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If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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