I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
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The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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